The Final Christmas Reference of the Year

A picture of my new nephew Oliver, in Christmas Garb.

There, that's it. No more Christmas. AAAAHHHhhhhh.

Seventy Questions Stolen from Patrick, stolen from Mike

No real news today. Work was rather fun - my sister was there, the one person who really irks me wasn't, and nothing traumatic or tumultuous happened. It has finally snowed and I'm sure it is probably here to stay now, although it is a paltry layer of slushy stuff. Saddam Hussein is dead. Are we supposed to be happy? What exactly did that accomplish? I'm not a big Christian, but didn't Jesus basically abolish the "eye for an eye" principle? As evil as he probably was - I just can't look at the death of anyone as being, in the words of Martha Stewart - "a good thing." But who knows, and I am too far removed from the situation to make a deep political statement. But now they have pictures coming out, and I can hardly see that as being very helpful to anyone's cause.

Of course there's also good news - Chinese Scientists have scientifically bred fluorescent green pigs! Yeah! Oh, it's something to do with stem cell research. So I'm sure someone will find something wrong with the whole thing. DAMMIT! I WANT A FLUORESCENT GREEN PIG!!!!!


Now on to another long, unneeded survey.


At some point, these will become boring for me (I'm sure you're beyond that point.) Until then.......

1) PICK ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? I have many - but on the top of my head, I have a mess of little scars from bumping my head on the pipes in the dairy barn that I worked in, whilst with the ex. 2) WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Nasty, ugly seventies panelling, in a dark but phony brown, set against the beautiful curtains that my mother made for me. 3) WHAT IS ON YOUR RIGHT? My wonderful, comfy new sectional couch, with Eddie plopped right in the middle. 4) WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? I go through manic little phases. Right now I'm turning back to a lot of ambient sort of indie-pop, although for a while I was in this classical phase,which still isn't quite over. 5) DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? No. Sometime in the evening. 6) WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? I would like an inner contentment and an outward ease with my situation in the world. I guess just for things to get easier. 7) WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES? Companionship, summer, the younger days......... 8) WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? I'm not a huge material type. But I guess my house. I wouldn't call my cats and Eddie possessions, but companions, and they always make me happy:) 9) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? Lavender, the smell of rain, the beach on a good day. 10) DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? Only in crowds. I tend to like being closed-in when by myself. 11) IF YOU DIED TOMORROW? I would want to watch what the process is that they do with the body. Creepy, but I don't really want to think about it any other way. 12) THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? My mother, although I don't think she was out to make me cry. I just cried. 13) What is your favorite cologne/perfume? Right now I have a collection of cheap body sprays, of which I just pick and spray. Kind of a random effort. 14) WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Long, light in colour, and usually up in some fashion, although someone who wears it up ALL the time suddenly looks very sexy with it down. 15) WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT? Oh cripe. Probably post-fight/argument of some sort. Like a "let's make up - do you wanna get hitched?" kinda thing. 16) DO YOU LIKE PORN? In a purely erotic sense - it's not necessarily something that gets my rocks off... 17) WHAT ARE YOUR FIVE FAVORITE MOVIES? I don't usually think up favorites lists, and recently haven't watched many. Beautiful Thing, American Beauty, Titanic (hah), The Christopher Guest/Eugene Levy Mocumentaries, Gone With The Wind..... 18) WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF GOING FOR YOUR HONEYMOON? Realistically, it would probably be somewhere close, boring and cheap. Ideally, somewhere in the South Pacific. 19) WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD? My mother. 20) DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE? I took five years of French, but haven't used it much in a long while. I even taught my dog a few words, hehee, which he still knows (i just perked his ears up) 21) WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX ): Good lord, I don't know/remember. 22) WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER(s)? Hmm, I like simple voices that aren't put-upon, so Ben Folds, Judy Garland, Scott Weiland, Rufus Wainwright, Sting (of old), Alanis Morissette, kd lang, Garth Brooks. 23) WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ? Mostly non-fiction, informational books, biographies. 24) FAVORITE DESSERT: Lemon Meringue Pie 25) WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PHRASE? What the hell? 26) WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Yes. I think nine times out of ten, people don't realize their true love for someone until that person is gone or leaving. Not that there wasn't love, but a really deep love. 27) WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Well it didn't work with the ex. But I think just doing little things that they don't expect, but that are just little reminders that you care. Buying someting small that made you think of them, cooking them something special, just surprising them with what they didn't expect but what lets them know that you were thinking of them. 28) SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: Sixteen 29) BLONDES, REDHEADS OR BRUNETTES? Not picky. Sometimes a redhead can be so fricking hot though! 30) WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? Living in a country that calls itself "free" and yet destroys the rights of people on a daily basis. In just a few years, we've gone downhill on the rights of people to love each other, the right to privacy, ownership, and the list goes on and on.... 31) HAVE YOU EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Oh many. My friend Erin and I were experts in that field, pre caller-id days. 32) WHO IS YOUR CURRENT CRUSH? I always have at least one small crush. I don't name names. 33) WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR? Probably that I'm at my peak at this point in life. I want to climb higher but I feel like I'm wasting the time away. 34) HAVE YOU EVER SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND NOT MEANT IT? Probably. But I learned recently that words don't always mean much. 35) WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY? Writing emails, getting the cats fed. 36) IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I would lipo every bit of fat off my body, so that it wouldn't haunt me so much on a daily basis. Then I'd get my teeth totally fixed again. 37) Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought: A turkey panini, two gallons of water, diet coke, and some mesquite turkey 38) Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink: Diet Coke, Iced Tea, Tea, and Coffee. 39) Last Time You Cried? Yesterday. 40) What's In Your Stereo? An mp3 mix cd I made. 41) What's Under Your Bed? A storage system of drawers, mostly empty. 42) What Time Did You Wake Up Today? Three different times - first at about 10, I think. 43) Current Hair? 349 individual strands. It gets thinner every day. 44) Current Clothes? A melange of tired jeans, faded t-shirts, hospital scrubs, boots and my work Skechers. 45) Current Desktop Picture? I call it "BLUE" 46) Current Worry? WAsting away my day off. 47) Current Hate? I try not to hate. But I hate when people say "belly" at work. 48) Favorite Place To Be? At the beach on a hot but breezy day. 49) Least Favorite Place? Anywhere with limited outdoor light and bright fluorescents. And I'd probably hate hell or the north pole. 50) If You Could Play An Instrument? Well I play many, but I'd like to master at least one (piano) and be able to play guitar without effort. 51) How Tall Are You? 5'10" 52) Favorite random quote? Quotes are irritating. Well actually I just can't think of one. 53) One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To? My friend Erin, mentioned above in the prank phone call question. I lost contact with her about 12 years ago and have looked and looked..... 54) Favorite Day(s)? The days in the spring when it's perfect weather to garden. 55) Where Would You Like To Go right NOW? to bed again - but I have a few more questions left. 56) Where do you want to live when you get married? Someplace far away that we agree on and has better weather. 57) Favorite food? Pasta-ish things. 58) Color of most clothes you own? HAH! Grey. 59) Number of pillows you sleep w/? Trois. Plus the kids. 60) What do you wear when you go to sleep? boxers and a tshirt. 61) What were you doing at 12 A.M. last night? Just arriving home from work. 62) What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years? That will be decided by fate, and by the personal empowerment that I am going to endow upon myself in the coming months. 63) Are you paranoid? Of many things 64) Do you burn or tan? Burn a little, but I tan. 65) what is the brand of your wallet? It's so worn that I would never be able to tell you. 66) First piercing/tattoo? Left Ear, 1989 67) First enemy? My own mind working against me. 68) Last person you yelled at? My mother. Boy, she really suffers in this one! 69) Last crush? A brief one that involved a beautiful polish blonde in the waiting room of the ED with a wonderfully pleasant way about him, and oh my god, so hot. 70) Last thing you ate? Sugar-free orange gelatin. Scrumptalicious.

What Walmart Will Do - TO YOU

Turn the damn lights off. It's over!

Yeah. So another Christmas is over, and the countdown begins for another one. I think this will be the third consecutive year that after the holiday was over, I told myself and others that I was finished celebrating Christmas. Yes, I said it again this year. Because it sucked.

First of all, we'll start with today - the day AFTER Christmas. I had to go to Iron Mountain - to stop at work to pick up my check which was supposed to be there, but wasn't (they screwed up my last two paychecks, and owed me quite a sum.) So I'll get that tomorrow. Fine. So I went to the bank to get some cash for the few things I needed today, and being the progressive anti-Walmart pauper that I am, I went to Walmart. Big mistake. I don't know how many people were in that store - my guess would be at least 12,328. It was recklessness, and of course I was there to add to the blob of consumerism. I suppose half the county probably received a Walmart Shopping Card as part of their gift-cache, so they were there to spend and look for sales. But I didn't see any sales - just crap loaded on top of shit, loaded on top of fecal matter, and the stuff that I needed - necessities like Diet Coke and soy sauce - was all out of kilter and understocked. I don't know how many times I had to turn around because an aisle was packed with evil carts. I don't know how many times I got brushed against or how long I waited in the god-awful line. But I do suggest that Walmart install some sort of interstate - like system in their stores, or at least stop signs and one-way arrows. And I suggest people just don't go there. Including me.

Anyway, yesterday was Christmas, and I worked. The after-hours clinic was closed, so we were operating in strictly Emergency Department mode. When the clinic is open, then all the stuffy noses and rashes go there, and the burden of registering them is taken off of me. But when it's not - well, I just get to work twice as hard. You would think that most people would abstain from going to the Emergency room on a holiday unless it was really an emergency, but not so. We had people with stuffy noses and congestion; people with toothaches (I know toothaches suck - but these people were smiling); children with life-threatening fevers of 101 degrees (the horror); and of course, a few people that actually needed to be there. But anyway, it was just a steady stream all evening long; I didn't get a break except to run down and get dinner, which was free because of the holiday and was supposedly a "special dinner." Well all they had left when I got there was chicken legs and scalloped potatoes. Chicken legs are not my thing. So I choked down the potatoes, along with a vegetable medley with some sort of hybrid yellow carrots. Scrumptious. Of course it took me a half hour to eat, because I had to keep stopping so that I could go register someone. I had one cigarette break at 10pm; by then, I was almost insane from the nic fits. Yes, I need to quit. But not on Christmas. I'm sure Jesus would understand.

Anyway, my "christmas" was on Christmas Eve. For various reasons, I have been at odds with my brother-in-law, who threatened to shoot me a couple weeks back (I won't go into that now). I have expected an apology from him since then, but have gotten none (he also called me a piece of shit, over and over. Fun!) Anyway, I told my sister and my mother that unless there was some sort of apology from him or make-up gesture, I didn't want to be there for Christmas if he was there, because it would just be awkward and I would literally spend the whole time just wanting to get up and punch the shit out of him.

(For what it's worth, my sister and my mother both told Mo that he needed to apologize to me, and that he was an asshole, plain and simple. But the apology never came. Oh woe.)

So I guess it was decided that there would be two celebrations - one with me, and one with him. Mine fell on Christmas Eve because I was off work, and since my sister and I both worked on Christmas Day , albeit different shifts, I figured that Christmas Eve would be our "real Christmas." So I was looking forward to it - I figured we would have the regular turkey dinner after opening our gifts and everything would be merry and precious. Then on Christmas day, my brother-in-law would receive his gifts and that would be the end of it.

Well I guess I was wrong. First off, when I got there on Christmas Eve, I didn't smell the turkey baking (although there was a pecan pie) but I didn't even think much of it. Perhaps my mother had decided to keep it simple this year, I thought, so no turkey. So instead we had some sort of Oriental Salad - which was good. One step over.

Then it was time to unwrap gifts, and what usually happens it that someone hands out the gifts and we open them, sort of taking turns. When I noticed that the only gifts taken from beneath the tree were the ones around my chair, I got suspicious. So I opened my first one, which was a small hand vacuum that was very nice. I said I needed that to clean the cat hair from my new couch. I waited because I figured then it was someone else's turn to open something. But nobody did, and my mother told me to open the next box. So finally I asked the question - why wasn't anyone else opening anything? Well then I got the answer that I knew was coming - -

"Well we're not opening anything until tomorrow - we' re just doing your gifts today."

So from that moment on, I just felt weird and on display, and very hot in the face. But I continued to open - I got some nice things - and that was it. Christmas for me was over I guess - except that there was the pecan pie - which is my favorite - and apparently I was supposed to eat a piece and then they were going to save the rest for the next day. I choked it down.

So my suspicions were raised then - I wondered, hmm......are they going to have a big traditional Christmas dinner tomorrow, while I'm at work eating old potatoes and hybrid carrots? I went and looked in the fridge, pretending to be looking for something to drink. And there it was - a big ham - thawed and ready to be cooked on "the big day." So then I asked my mother - "so are you making a big dinner tomorrow then?" and she just kind of smugly nodded.

So I took my gifts, put them in the car, sat around for a while, played with the nephew, who was all over me. Then my sister had to go to work. So then I left too, because I really just felt like the party was over and I was supposed to leave too, I guess.

Anyway, I had a big 'fight' on the phone with my mother over the whole ordeal; how Christmas for me wasn't about the presents at all; how I hadn't asked for nor expected much, but had looked forward to the usual Christmas. She just didn't seem to understand. And I still don't understand either. But my point was this - my brother-in-law is a big, pompous, loud jerk. And he's a muslim - who has been in this country for six years - so to him, Christmas is just something new and kinda fun. My mother says she just tolerates him because she watches the kids and has to deal with him when he comes to pick them up after work, etc. My sister bitches about him every day, and would leave him in a heartbeat if she could afford it. At least, that's what she says every other day. So why did he get the REAL christmas - while I just got the "make-up day Christmas" on the day before? It may sound like jealousy, and it probably is. Boo hoo for me. The only reason I got was that they figured Mo would want to watch the kids open presents.

Anyway, yesterday (on Christmas day) my mother called once in the morning and I was still half-asleep, so it was a short call and I figured she would call later. She never did. All I could think of all day was my whole family together having a big dinner, opening gifts, and having their little "merriment" while I was dealing with rashes, fevers, a broken copy machine, and crabby doctors. So it sucked. And maybe I'm just a big, 30-something baby who should just get over himself. Tell me if I'm wrong.

But then there is another kicker to the story. The gifts I got from my mother (who likes to spend more money than anyone else, and my dad doesn't buy anybody anything, except my mother usually) included the following:
The vacuum
a fleece blanket
A radar detector for my car
A wind-up flashlight

and a few other nice things. Today I found out that my brother-in-law got the following gifts:
A vacuum
A fleece blanket
A radar detector for his car
A wind-up flashlight.
and of course, a few other things, probably nice ones.

Wow, do I feel special. And I feel like a slight asshole for being so selfish. But today was my day off, and I just felt like wallowing myself in some self-pity for the moment, I guess. And I am over it now, because the day is past and as soon as the New Year begins, then things only look up, because I know that I won't have to think about it again for almost a year.

And like I said, this year I have said it again - no more Christmas. Sure, I'll take the holiday hours at work, and maybe eat some peanut brittle. And I'll probably just end up doing Christmas like usual again, and something will go wrong. Ah well. Time to just blank it out.

I apologize to anyone who made it through this whole self-pitying essay, and promise to me a little more upbeat next time. And I hope that everyone's Christmas was at least a little better than mine, because I know there could be far worse than what I had, and I don't wish that on anyone. Even muslims, unless they threaten to shoot me.

Let's check out some Fox News Headlines

I just love Fox News. Why? Because I hate it so much. Translation - if someone says something about Fox News, then I have something to rant about, which I love to do. I spent the summer working midnights in a small group home, spending most nights alongside a small woman with pre-emphysema who loved Fox News (we worked in pairs.) So I spent many an hour trying to ignore Bill O'Reilley, Sean Hannity, and Greta Van Frankensusteren droning on in the background between the "Fair and Balanced" jingles and commercials for Head-On.

Those Foxhounds - they are hard to ignore. And I have left that job, and seldom even turn on my tv, but it's still almost impossible to escape those hooligans, because it's the most popular news channel in the US. There are two tvs in the Emergency Department waiting room (I call it the "Prison Commons") that are fixed so that they can't be turned to a high volume. But if someone turns on Fox News, I can hear it even if I'm totally consumed in paperwork and inundated with admissions for drunks with broken legs.

Anyway, I won't comment any further, because I just tend to blather. Well, yes I will So let's peruse today's pre-Christmas Fox News Online Headlines, and see how much "cheer" they have to spread, shall we?

Well just now, I had to wait while the Fox News website totally overwhelmed my computer and froze it up for a good five minutes. HOLY CRAP - MAYBE IT'S A TERRORIST PLOT AGAINST ME.

• Christmas Terror Plot

  Report: CIA tips off Brits to Channel Tunnel threat

  Tunnel beneath English Channel that connects Britain to France is holiday terror target of Islamic terrorists, Observer reports

Well how festive! Nothing makes Christmas more heartwarming than to scare the shit out of a whole continent. Funny, I checked google news and this didn't come up on anything except Fox and The Guardian, which was just reporting it off the wire. This will surely turn Tony Blair into a hero for sure.

• Bush Considers $10 Billion 'New Deal' to Accompany Troop Surge in Iraq

  Rebuilding component to new Iraq strategy would create jobs to draw unemployed Iraqis away from insurgency

• I hate bullets, and don't know how to format, use them, or get rid of them. But anyway, notice the headline above and its brief opening statement doesn't include any lines like "according to sources" or "according to the Bush Administration." It is just stated as a fact. Like "Lysol Kills Germs." This is typical of how Fox reports in a "fair and balanced" manner - they just leave out anything that would throw their 'fair' opinion off balance.

Israel's $100M Peace Bid

Ehud Olmert meets Palestinian president, agrees to release $100 million in frozen funds and ease travel restrictions

Anything to make Israel look good. Because we must support Israel in every way possible, for some reason I have yet to understand. We must always remember to forget that there are two sides to every story. I am not anti-semitic in any way, but there's something fucked up about Israel and our relationship with it, and Saudi Arabia and our relationship with it, etc. It's a double-entendre, or an oxymoron, or a doppleganger, or something in that realm of opposite fancy-words - let's put it that way. But apparently Fox News and Bush do understand.

Schwarzenegger Breaks Leg in Skiing Mishap

I bet he threatens to break a lot of other people's legs, too. He'll be back. I'm surprised Maria Shriver-Schwarzenegger doesn't break her legs just by walking across a room - she is the skinniest sack of osteo-porosal bones I've ever seen. Frightening, simply frightening.

Top Video

Real Free Speech

Drop the pretense, Hillary; Obama, keep your enemies close

How clever. Hire a big-mouthed celebrity comedian, and pay him a gazillion bucks, because everyone loves a comedian, and they are ALL about free speech! Didn't people start disliking him after the whole Monday Night Football thing? Why is he still here? And how does Dennis Miller rank higher than Rosie O'Donnell, who gets picked on when she uses her comedic free speech? Maybe it's all those fancy words.

Protester Sets Self Afire Over School Holidays

"What? My kids can't sing "Away in a Manger" in the pagent this year? Billy Joe, hand me that bic lighter and my bottle of bourbon. I's gonna make a statement." Note - I didn't even read this article, so I have no idea whether I'm totally getting backwards or whatever, but I just can't imagine too many atheists setting themselves on fire, because they don't believe in an afterlife, so they would never get to find out what good they did by setting themself on fire in the first place. Does that make sense? I don't know.........what?

Rosie Trumps Donald

By Roger Friedman
So, who's really more charitable, Donald Trump or Rosie O'Donnell?

Another Rosie O'Donnell mention. If a democratic/liberal/lesbian/overweight/loud/female type makes any kind of statement, the news must make sure to follow every step they make, in case they do or say something bad, and Rosie is now the liberal loose-lip of choice. In this case, it turned out that Rosie is more charitable, and that Trump mostly just hands over money to generic organizations like the United Way. I don't know what The United Way does. I am going to look into them. Because if Donald Trump is giving them lots of money.....hmmmmm...........

Dogging Diddy

Macy pulls hip-hop star's line of hooded jackets for containing dog fur

OH MY GOD! Is this true? I'm not going to even read into it for fear that I will lose it.....

Triple Threat

By Lisa Bernhard
Justin Timberlake set to make moves in music, fashion and film

I'm surprised this isn't followed by an article entitled "Doogie Howser and Lance Bass set to open abortion clinic for French Lesbians." I bet Justin Timberlake is a republican. Britney is.

• The O'Reilly Factor

  Bill O'Reilly's Talking Points

  What went right and what went wrong in 2006
  • Read Bill's Talking Points
• 
  
• Nothing exciting about this, except why would they use such an unflattering picture of Bill O'Reilley? Or is that the face that makes all those conservative ladies swoon? And why are these bullets haunting me?
  

GRETAWIRE

Sharon Rocha's book takes you inside the pain caused by the murder of one's child

Now there's a face that is not swoon-worthy at all. She looked better before the million-dollar makeover. She's a lesbian, and we all know it. The made-up word "GRETAWIRE" reminds me of some new hybrid electric barbed wire to put around dog kennels, so that Diddy won't take your dog. Quick change of subject -


Condoleezza Rice Says America is Ready for a Black President

Well it sure is. But do you really think black people will vote for her? She's the whitest black woman I've ever seen, and she doesn't have a nice booty. So shoot me for being horrible. But if she runs for president and all the sudden takes on an ebonics-enhanced accent, I will jump in Mt. St.. Helens.

Gibson Still OK

FOX Poll: Despite anti-Semitic rant, almost half of Americans still think Gibson's OK

And half of Americans believe that the earth is 6000 years old. Well not half, but like a third. And the other half probably doesn't know what the word "semitic" means. But that Passion movie was just so moving........even though it was gorier than all of the "Scream" movies put together......




To be honest, the more I read this Fox website, the more I notice that they are attempting to take a chance with their viewers by noticing the recent election results, and reporting some bad things about the right. Which just shows that the news in this country, and probably everywhere, is driven by what the people want to hear. And like it or not, people want to hear about Justin Timberlake enough that he made it onto the front page of the news. So as long as the news entertains, then it satisfies the masses.

I would hate for people to think I am just a big liberal asshole or something, because really I'm not that liberal. I just get disgusted by mediocre news, and I want to hear some good news about really good things, not just made-up good news about bad things, like Iraq or Israel or Justin Timberlake, who I think is probably evil, although he's pretty hot. Except when he talks.

And although I despise the political Christian Right, I don't despise Christians at all. There's a nurse where I work, Amanda, who happens to be very hard-core into her faith; and she handed out loaves of banana bread tonight with a "Gospel of John" strapped to them with ribbon. You would never know that she was from Northland Bible College, except for the fact that she's really pretty, and for some reason, all the girls from Northland are pretty and the guys are hot. Weird. Anyway - She enclosed a note that said that she wanted to find copies of this gospel that didn't have all these side-notes about Christian living etc., but couldn't find them (It's a mini book with the full text of the fourth book of the new testament, with all these notes thrown in for how to live a "christian' life.). So she said to just concentrate on the text itself, and skip the opinions of the editor. Which I thought was kind of cool, because at least she is saying, in some little way, that we should interpret what we read in our own way, and not the way we are told is the "right" way to interpret it. If there were only a way to get our news without the hidden "opinions of the editor."

Ok, enough - the Fox News tab keeps refreshing itself, which in turn locks up my computer for a few seconds, which in turn makes me frustrated, which in turn makes me want to stop ranting for now. I think I'll go cuddle with Eddie, who wears cruelty-free dog fur.

Have a great holiday all -
Doug

A serious interlude, shortly before the coming of the Christ Child

Oh God, now that I think of it - I have to find a picture of the Infant of Prague. Hold on while I look - ok -here's one.......





Cute hey?

According to history, The Infant of Prague was a statue of Jesus as a child, in a cathedral in Prague, dressed in JonBenet Ramsey attire, and worshipped and adored by all. Then those crazy Lutherans took the statue away during the Reformation , but then they gave it back and all was well. So to this day, the Infant of Prague is famous throughout the world as a devotional figure, and is reproduced in all sorts of artistic forms - statues, dolls, paintings, and the like. And his garb can vary - from Fashion Granny to full-blown Cher-in-Bob-Maki. Just do a google image search - there's a lot of designer outfits for the Infant of Prague. It's a disturbing tradition that delights me in its oddness.

I wonder what Jerry Falwell has to say about the fact that Jesus walked around as a child in stunning, sensational, striking lacy dresses and carried an orb? I guess it was Mary's fault then, since homos "learn" their behavior.

Anyway, my message tonight was supposed to have nothing to do with Jesus or his weird clothing fetishes. (For those of you that are thinking that I will be going to hell - it's too late. I already bought the ticket.)

I have been pondering many things in the last few days - mainly historical events of my life that went sour - and the implications they have wrought. For all the people out there that say "Live your life one day at a time" or "Just wing it and live on the edge" or "life is short" or anything else that is cliche-ish, I would like to say this - it's not always a good idea. When I went to college for the first time, I didn't go soully for the goal of getting a high-quality education to further my career goals and prospects for the future. I mainly went to get the hell away from my family, and to finally have the social life I never had. So although I loved my music classes and the people in them, I did just terrible. Because for some reason, I was never the type of person to think ahead. Life was always about the one moment I was in, and maybe the next few hours after that. So yeah, I went from class to class, switched majors twice, and failed out miserably. Sure, I have about 80 credits behind me, but they are a modge-podge of this and that, and not much of it is applicable toward any kind of degree that is plausible.

A person who majors in music goes through hell - sheer hell. There is so much more to music than what you hear on the radio and in comedic commercials. When you study music, you study music theory, form, and analysis, which is the equivalent of geometry, trigonometry, and calculus. If you decide to take a few years off from being a music major, you can't just hop back on board. That would be like going back to school at age 40 and taking advanced physics - you would be lost and screwed. Plus, no matter what your focus is, you MUST choose an instrument to focus on, and you MUST master that instrument. And I was terrible at practicing, although I did get to a pretty good point in my piano skills. But the years have taken much of that away. Bummer.

Anyway, I have never given up my goal of finishing school. And my goal has always centered around music. But in my present state of time, mind, and place, that is almost impossible. So my plans are this - go to the local, prestigiously-deficient community college, and get an associate of arts degree that is preparatory for a bachelors degree in a field at another, larger college. My house will be paid off in two years - then I can move, and I can rent it out.

Anyway, as a kid I wanted to be one thing - a pharmacist. They got to play with medicine, which I thought was cool, and they made good money. Well, I've decided that that is out of the picture. Because although I would like that money, I don't think I could stand behind a Walmart-Walgreens-Kmart counter for the rest of my life counting pills and thinking back on the six years that I spent preparing for this. Really - yuck!

Then, when I really got into music, I wanted to be a musician - preferably one in a huge famous orchestra, or as a composer. I know music is my strongest point - and I am very musically inclined. But I just don't think that's a good move to make now, and I just can't. There's nothing close to here, short of Marquette, that offers music classes. And Marquette is 100 miles away.

So my main area of focus right now, as far as what career I'd like to work toward - is psychology. There are many reasons for this, some good and some just childish. But I love psychology - people that are weird are fascinating. I worked with crazy people for almost 4 years and just loved it. I would love to be a clinical psychologist with a couch in my office, and try to make people feel better about themselves. Also, it's a major that is available all over the place, and it is easily expandable - you can add a master's in psychology, or whatever else you wish, then go on to get a PhD if you want, or go to med school and be a psychiatrist - whatever. But one thing is for sure - if I go and get an associates degree in psychology - I've already got half the credits. And if I decide that I made a mistake - fine - so be it - I can change my major because I'm basically going to be taking liberal arts classes for the most part anyway that will apply to other things. And psychology classes are very often available online - because it's a study for the most part, not something practical and hands-on like music.

And nobody out there can tell me that psychology isn't a lucrative field. I know from experience that people are getting crazier by the day. Like the guy who came into Emergency tonight because he popped a pimple on his face and it got swollen. That's crazy! Or maybe he was just dumb.

There's a lot of things that have happened recently that have driven me toward making a decision to go back to school. First of all, I work in a hospital now. This is really the first place I have worked where there is a real heirarchy to the employment roster, and people with degrees are, with all due respect, more IMPORTANT and PAID MORE than us wee people at the bottom. I mean, we are paid quite well, and get very good benefits, but seriously - an RN who went to school for only 2 years makes over twice what I make. The doctors - oh my fucking god - I couldn't even imagine what they are banking. I have always known I was intelligent, but when working in an environment where people with degrees are treated as the intelligent ones, I feel like the court jester. And I hate that feeling, especially when someone higher-up deliberately MAKES you feel inferior. When people degrade me, I want to do mean things to them, seriously!

Second, now that I do have some credentials - being an EMT and a firefighter - I know what it feels like to have credentials, and to want more. I don't think I could go on to be a paramedic, because of my phobia of intravenous needles - but I love knowing that I could go back and take another 9 months of classes and double my income. It's tempting, but it's not what I want to do. And what I want to do is do what I want to do, for a change, if that makes sense. I feel like I've been walked on like a carpet for years, and I want to make changes.

So yeah, that was my semi-manic think-out-loud part of the blog. Anybody have input? Ideas? Money?

Enough on that - my mother called me and told me an interesting story. I don't have garbage service at my new house - I mean, I could - but you have to buy tags for the garbage, and I haven't learned where to get those yet, or even bothered to try to learn, so my garbage has piled up a bit. I've been bringing it over weekly to my mother's house, and putting out a couple of my bags with hers. I'm sure it's illegal at the most, and against garbage company policy at the least, but it's harmless. I mean, my mother doesn't exactly have a ton of garbage in the first place, yet she pays the same as a family of 12 would, so anyway.

So anyway, on monday morning I guess my mother happened to look out the front window and saw the garbage truck pulled up to pick up the garbage. And apparently she noticed that the garbage man had seemingly ripped open one of the garbage bags and was looking through it! I guess she didn't think too much of it at the time, except for maybe the fact that it was a bit strange, but it's garbage - who the hell cares?

Well anyway, yesterday my mother gets a call from a lady at Great American Disposal - fancy name for "the dump" - who called to tell her that she should check and make sure her neighbor isn't putting his garbage with hers, because his name was found on some items in the garbage. My mom was shocked I guess, but didn't say much during that call except a made-up story that she had cleaned out her garage.

Then her Irish temper started raging, and she called back and I'm sure she really let the lady have it. Really - who the hell wants to find out that their garbage man is looking through their garbage? My garbage bags were black, and she uses the white kitchen-type bags - so obviously there was a difference. But wouldn't any homeowner have the right to switch bags? Wouldn't this be an invasion of privacy, or does the garbage company technically "own" your garbage as soon as they take it? Is it the Patriot Act? Did George and Donald order the garbage men to look for signs of "nucular" material in residential filth?

So that was a lesson learned, because I've never cared that much about what I throw away. I mean, I wouldn't exactly throw out whole checkbooks and credit cards, but junk mail or bills that I don't pay have always ended up in the garbage. I think I will change my strategy, and so should you, if you are as idiotic as I am. I will either burn all my paper stuff, because I can, or I will buy a shredder. Or just chew all the paper up. No, icky.





Ahh, stunning.

Subject A few things about work

There are some things about my job that are great. There are some things about my job that are hideous. First, the hideous (for it is always good to end on a good note....)

1. Working 9 to 5 would be nice. But i work 3 to 11. Which is what I always have preferred, because when you start work in the afternoon, you usually get up somewhere in the morning hours, so you have that few hours before work to do something. But then I get home, and I'm wound up like a spool of thread - god, that's a stupid analogy - I'm so stupid sometimes. I'm wound up like a top - whatever. So then I can't get to sleep until later; then I sleep later; so it ends up being that I am sleeping until 11 in the morning or so. At least that's the way it is at this time of year, when it is so dark and depressing out anyway. Although today we had sun, yay.

2. My job entails a lot of paperwork - TONS of paperwork. And when an Emergency Department gets busy, it doesn't just happen gradually. Everything explodes at once. And for some reason, we Emergency people have to register and "admit" all newborn babies and their mothers. They are on the other side of the hospital, in the OB ward - but we still have to register them, then run down there with TONS of paperwork.

And if you haven't been in an OB department in a while - they are CRAZY. The mothers wear electronic bracelets that are in sync with electronic ankle bracelets on their babies. All visitors have to wear badges, and all the employees in the area have to wear these special colour-coded pieces of laminated construction paper. Have I ranted about OB before? This conversation sounds oddly familiar. But anyway, a "code pink" would be announced throughout the hospital if a baby were to be kidnapped, which hasn't happened yet on my shift.

But tonight, we had an "E Alert" because someone stole two purses from the offices in the basement, so we had cops floating around all night, and all these secretive messages flowing across the loudspeakers. They never found the purses - I hid them well. No, not really.

3 There is nothing - NOTHING - in this world that bothers me more than people who go on power trips. RNs are very guilty of such things at times. And nothing is worse than a power tripper who needs to be on mood stabilizers. That's all I have to say on that one - well, except that I would like to remind these RNs that they only have associate's degrees! Not to go on my own power trip, but I personally went for the much higher and prestigious bachelor's degree, which I almost got, had I not fucked around so badly and never graduated. So to that RN I say HA! And quit being so moody.

4. You can always tell which people are really sick, versus the ones that are just there for attention, drugs, or hypochondria. The ones that are really sick don't have to put on an act - they KNOW they are sick and they try to act very politely about it. The ones that put on a big show are the ones that are either 1. just wantin' some drugs or 2. just wantin' an excuse to take off work.

5. Unions are incredible things, and we had our union vote today, but unfortunately the Emergency Department was so busy that I didn't get to go down and vote. Those kinds of things just happen.

6. I can't stand to see people in real pain. A lot of people seem to get more upset when they see a child in pain, and if the circumstances are bad, then it is really upsetting. But most of the time, children are crying not only because of pain, but because they're scared as shit to be in the Emergency room! And we all went through that phase. What really affects me is to see grown people who, as hard as they try, just can't keep the tears back because they hurt so badly. We had a guy come in who was hurt at work - cut his thumb nearly off, among other things - and he was just bawling, and I almost did too. Then tonight, this little old lady was trying to insist that she was okay, but then a moment later she would just clutch her head and shake from the terrible pain she was having. These are the patients that I wish I could just shoot up with pain meds myself - but unfortunately, I am not technically 'medical staff.'

The great things -

1. I am terrible at dealing with bad or awkward situations - and never know what to say to someone when they are upset. So the way I deal with such nasty moments is with humor - which can backfire. But usually it doesn't, and if I'm putting a bracelet on someone who's going to be admitted for possible surgery or even worse, and I can make them laugh about it - it just makes me feel like maybe I'm not such a horrible person.

2. Not all RNs are bad - in fact some are just plain crazy and that makes them fun. And the doctors in ED are different than your normal MD - they are much less formal and more personable with everyone, because they know that they have to deal with everyone in a decent way because of the way everyone has to work together down there. So it's nice to be able to call the doctors "Bob" or "John" and it's funny when the nurses tell them to shut up.

3. There's more, but I need to go to bed. Badly.

Today's Headlines, in brief

I hardly ever read the news anymore. Seriously, I feel so apolitical right now (is that a word?) Maybe it's the seasonal affective disorder, or just pure and utter apathy, but I just find that the news doesn't excite me anymore.

For one thing, in the last couple years I really figured out how much real news is just sort of "left out" in America. I wouldn't call it blatant censorship; just a very mild control over the media by both the conservative government and the big corporations who now own the news outlets and really shouldn't. I mean honestly, they should really just re-name ABC news something like "Mickey Mouse's Daily Doodle." If you look into other world sources of news, you might be surprised what you come up with, but if you look at any of our big news outlets, you basically get four categories of news:

1. Anything about Iraq/Israel and that whole mess, and the things people
say about them that make them get scolded by the other guys
2. Any shock-value crime stories, such as school shootings and crimes commited by the insane (crimes by Mexicans are currently in vogue.)
3. Blatantly retarded Hollywood stories, such as the breakup of Winona Ryder and Colin Powell (I made that up.)
4. Any mixture of the three that puts down a political party, or the political view of some celebrity or another. Except Oprah. Oprah never seems to get in trouble. But Rosie O'Donnell does, because she's fat and she's a lez, and you're just not supposed to like fat ugly women, especially if they like to do other chicks. (For those of you who don't understand my sarcasm, I just want you to know that i have nothing against obesity or ugliness, and I don't really think Rosie O'Donnell is that unattractive anyway. But those lesbians - they're aginst the Bible, by george.)

(Wink. Enter lightning strike HERE.)

Anypoop, I feel like looking at the news tonight - don't know why, and I will share some headlines and comment. Note: my comments do not share nor denote the opinions of the outlets from whence they come. And I never mean to offend - I just offer the viewpoints of me, a college dropout who may be totally delusional. Kind of a Barbra Streisand kind of thing. Except I will allow you to view me from whatever side you like!

The following are all from CNN (because it's bookmarked on my browser and I'm familiar with its setup - otherwise I'd pick any other one besides Fox, which would be fun too, but that's for a totally different day.)


Millions in the Northwest Could Be in the Dark for Days
Now that's excitement. Inconvenient, perhaps - but who doesn't love a dramatic weather/natural disaster story? Especially if you are not involved; but windstorms and tornadoes are very exciting in my mind (not the death part - that's horrible of course) because I've been in two tornadoes and I can't remember a bigger adrenaline rush. And at least the Northwest isn't that cold, so it won't be like those poor souls in St. Louis that I commented on earlier in the month.......(Brian Livingston, are you still there? Eye thing.....)

U.S. to move 3,500 troops into Kuwait

Seriously, who can read anything about this stuff and even care anymore? I'm sorry if you have a relative over there or a friend, because of course you care, as do I. But as far as news goes, the whole war thing has lost any meaning or sense. There's just one bombing after another in Baghdad, one crisis or another in Israel, and one comment or another from some idiot at the Pentagon. Or from their boss, whatever his name is. First of all, can anyone keep track of this whole mess? And am I the only one that is horrified by these daily Shiite/Sunni bombings that are killing masses of people? That shit would never have started if we wouldn't have messed up that country so badly. Sure, it wasn't in a good state before either, but I can't imagine how terrifying it is even to step out in public in Iraq now. Sadaam Hussein couldn't unite these people, so he basically just let them rule their own little corners of the country, and now we go in and unite them in a "democratic" government, which they don't seem to like real well. They didn't like Sadaam either, apparently, but that's beside the point. Now not only are our troops in daily danger, but so is every single person in that country, and it's a scary mess.

Executions halted in Florida, California

Good. I can't think of anything more botched or corrupt than our whole death penalty system. It should be done away with. We have two states, both of which have been or are run by Bushes, that execute hundreds, then a few states that execute someone every once in a while, and then states like Michigan where it's not an option at all. How does that work? And how does dying by being put to sleep like a poor sick animal count as a "punishment" anyway, except as a mental punishment? And how come the rest of the "civilized" world did away with capital punishment, while we still have it along with some dandy countries like Saudi Arabia, Iran, and China? I know it's a touchy subject - it's one that I feel strongly about - but I value anyone's opinion on it.

Scores ill after eating at Indiana Olive Garden

Just another reason to shop/eat locally. Especially here, because we don't have none of those there Olive Gardens. Just lots of Subways.

U.S. may face new dangers when Castro dies

Didn't read this one. But knowing that we are forbidden by our own government to visit there or buy anything from them, while the rest of the world does, makes me wonder - what exactly does "freedom" mean?

First ladies stand by their men on coins

Cool idea, bad headline. First ladies on coins - great - but why not pick some other more deserving Americans, like Helen Keller or Harriet Tubman? Or Paris Hilton? Look at all she's done for us.

Publisher in O.J. book scandal fired

Laughable, and another horrible chapter added to the US history book. They should've just gone ahead and put the book out - people would've bought it. Then maybe Ronald Goldman's family would've been able to get some money off the asshole, since he's been denying them what he owes them for years.

Paris didn't blog about Britney, spokesman says

Didn't read it, for two reasons. 1. I don't care. 2. It's in the top headlines, and shouldn't be.

Superman Returns' falls flat

Who would've guessed? Maybe it's due to the fact that the 2nd and most prominent man to play Superman broke his neck and died later. We tend to associate things, and dislike change - "New Coke" style. Kinda like when Val Kilmer played Batman. Why? Who likes Val Kilmer? Isn't he supposed to be a huge asshole? Why did I just go on a rant about Val Kilmer? And did you know that one of my favorite movies is "Real Genius?" Except that young main kid in the movie was kinda agelessly creepy, and I wonder what he looks like now. I shall IMDB later.

Rumsfeld praised on final day at Pentagon

Well at least he had some charisma. Kind of a charming man in a way, as horrible as he was. Much better than John Ashcroft, who, if you have time to look for it, sung a wonderful song that he wrote himself called "Let the Eagle Soar." Or "Now the Eagle's Sore." Now there's one horrible man.

Rice rejects talks with Iran, Syria on Iraq

Does anyone really believe this woman? A black, female republican who happens to be really smart? Is that racist? I don't mean it to be whatsoever. But by God, you can see it in her smile, can't you? She has no acting abilities whatsoever - whenever she tries to make a point, she gets this shy-like, gapped-tooth grin going. Even so, I do kinda like her, just because she's a smart black female republican, and because that's almost like something that should be in Ripley's Believe It or Not. (Another note to the sarcistically uninclined - I have nothing against black women, and I think they can be just as smart as any other race of human. But I think she should get that gap in her teeth fixed. She probably makes enough money for that, right? Or maybe not, because she's a black female?)

New wariness arises for menopause hormones

You poor, aging women. How they do like to fuck with your heads and scare the shit out of you. Every time I schedule someone a mammogram at work I think to myself, 'ouch.'

Tribe banking on bird's-eye view of Grand Canyon

Great - first the Brady Bunch went there and trampled the sacred grounds, and now the tribes are doing it too. Maybe they could hook some whirlpool mineral tubs up to Old Faithful - why waste all that good hot water?

Iranians hit polls, test president

I really don't know what this means, and I didn't even look at what it was about. All I know is that we were supposed to be skeered of Iran a long time ago, then we weren't, and now we are again. Maybe it's Sally Field's fault for that movie "Not Without My Daughter." Bridgette, please do your rendition........

Georgia rules Potter can stay on school shelves

Oh my fucking God. I don't even want to know what was behind this link. Harry Potter? I saw disgustingly distasteful books at the bookstore a while back about a farting dog, and they're worried about Harry Potter? Are kids not allowed to fantasize anymore? Or are we just supposed to give them realistic reading, like the Bible?

"When the Lord delivers it into your hand, put to the sword all the males .... As for the women, the children, the livestock and everything else in the city, you may take these as plunder for yourselves." (Deuteronomy 20:13-14)

And here's CNN's daily QuickPoll -

Which do you think is cuter, babies or panda cubs?

Babies

Panda cubs

That's important to ponder. What do I think? Well, babies are cute, but I've seen a few ugly ones. I've never seen an ugly panda.

(enter second lightning strike. Ouch.)

Think about it a while before you make your decision. And feel free to comment, because I did, and so should you.

(Post note - Baby pandas are winning out 61% to 39%. I'm sure it's the liberals pulling this one off. Baby killers. Only thing is - I read that panda fur is rough and greasy. Ouch and eww.........)

Seriously, for one second (1)

Just a few quick questions I have for those of you who might be lestenin' -

1. For those of you who use Mozilla Firefox, I have to ask - did it seem like, when you first got it, it was really cool and fast and so much nicer than Internet Explorer? But now, months or days or years later, does it seem like it has become bogged down and slow and clunky? My computer isn't the best, but it's not very old, and I'm just about ready to give up on the firefox endeavor. If you have downloaded the new IE7, is it, like, way better? Because I did, and frankly, it's changed so much I can't get used to it. I be confoosed.

2. For those of you in the Dickinson County Metropolitan Village Township City - why is Lake Antoine pronounced "Ann-twine?" In French it should sound more like "Ann-twonn." In fact, in French class we had to pick French names to go by for the extent of the class, and my name was Antoine. If anyone would've said "Hey Ann-twine" I would've gotten angry and smacked them! Well not really, because I wasn't that type of kid. But I would've pouted.

3. Does anybody know of any reason why I could NOT have chickens in Hermansville? I only want to get some banties (little chickens) that are female, so no noise problem, and they would be built a very nice, secluded little habitat. I miss having chickies. Someone at work said "no" but I just don't believe it. How could there be such a rule in a town where people burn tires every monday, and you pay your sewer bill to some lady at her house down on third street?

4. This isn't a question; it's a recommendation. If you live in or around Norway, go to the Norway Pharmacy, because they are the best pharmacy anywhere, and they have some cool stuff. Sure, they sell a "yooper mosquito trap," but that doesn't totally disqualify them from the realm of coolness.

Also, check out Pine Ridge Gifts behind Family Dollar. They have some cool shit. And the lady with the long hair is cool, especially when her hair gets all caught in everything she walks past, and it doesn't seem to bother her.

And Family Dollar is cool too. Just don't buy the meat products.

And, don't EVER EVER EVER do your business at the First National Bank of Norway. They are thieves, pure and simple.

By the way, if you're not from the Norway/Iron Mountain area, then just disregard this, and please don't move here based on what I said above, because you will regret it in the long run.

5. I noticed some people have more than the allowed 16 pictures in their 'photos' section on myspace. If this is possible, why can't I do it?

6.I've worked at the Emergency Department for 2 months, and so far none of you have come in so I could register you! I mean, come on - it's only $800 a visit, on average! Pure pocket change. And I can get you free alcohol swabs and vomit bags, and personalize your wristband with any nickname you like.

7. Is it ethical to give money to the Salvation Army? Or are they in the same category as the gay-bashing, moral-preaching churches that are against stem cells and all that? I'm not trying to be an ass - I just really want to know if anyone has an opinion on the Salvation Army. Because when I pass them without giving them money, I feel like a turdburger.

29. What happened to the Smurfs? Did they get stepped on over the years and just go extinct? I thought the smurfs were the coolest when I was a kid. All I hear about now is something called Dora the Explosive Whore, or whatever "she" is. I think someone should rally with me to bring back the smurfs, because not only did they teach racial purity with their uniform skin color, but they also smurfed everything, which was dumb but endearing. Why didn't they just move away from Gargamel? Or poison him with the mushrooms? Or maybe they did, and THAT is why the show is no longer on.

41. Is Ashton Kutcher finally gone from the celeb scene? God, he annoys me, even though I wish I looked like him.

3. Oh, nothing.

God, I need to go to bed.

Bulletinitis, and other made up words

I really think that the "Bulletins" part of myspace is the best part of the whole system. Not only does it provide a random yet constant source of entertainment, but it also is a very good "gauge" for typifying a sender's personality. Not that I sit around and analyze everyone's personality, but - well, yeah, I guess I do. But I only do it because I love weird people. "Normal" people are boring and useful to society only as workers, such as receptionists, managers, and concrete pourers. I'm kidding, but am I? You may never know.

Anypoop, weird people, in my checkered mind, are people who fit into any category other than normal, which is a very large set of categories. Am I making sense? I hope not. They can be the highly intelligent people, the not-so-smart people, the schizoids, obsessive-compulsives, loners, divorced obese women, divorced dwarves - and on and on.

I guess the best definition of a "weird person" would be this:

weerd' per' sun: any person who, after you have communicated with them, makes you do one of the following: roll your eyes, sigh, laugh, cry, vomit, or question your own sanity.

Back to the bulletins. There are a few things I will say before I share one very special bulletin with you:

1. I read about 39% of the bulletins that I see on the main page;
2. I read almost every survey, whether it is someone I know or not. Yes, I know that some people write one every other hour. But I still love reading them. God help me.
3. There are bulletins that just make me shudder and question the intelligence of the average human being.
4. Above being said, if you send a bulletin that has a headline such as "I'm A Crunchy Dill - what kind of pickle are you?" or "The Underpants Game", I won't read it. That's final. I was sucked in one too many times to reading such garbage, and no longer.
5. Some bulletins just defy any explanation.

For your (choose one) amusement, horror, shock, amazement, or whatever, I present the following GEM that was in my bulletin box earlier this week.


Date: Dec 6, 2006 7:48 AM
Subject WHO THE F*CK WROTE THIS
Body: Body: *has serious problems and needs to fucking get shot. fuckers*


WHY DO THIS
GOD IS A FAG.
HIS DICK WAS LITTLE.
HE FUCKED MARTHA.
AND SUCKED JOSEPH OFF.
GOD CAN GO TO HELL.
I HATE GOD.
GOD IS DEAD.
FUCK GOD.
WHY?
MY NAME IS CHEVERE AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME, THEN REPOST THIS WITHIN 2 MINUTES.

NOW LETS SEE WHO BELIEVES IN GOD.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
IF YOU DISAGREE WITH THIS, REPOST THIS AS
"WHO THE F*CK WROTE THIS"
STAND UP FOR WHAT'S RIGHT, AND IF YOU IGNORE THIS MESSAGE JUST REMEMBER, WHEN THE WORLD ENDS, WHO DO YOU WANNA SPEND THE REST OF YOUR AFTER-LIFE WITH? HAPPY WITH GOD OR BURNING IN HELL?
YOU
JESUS SAID:
"IF YOU DENY IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS, I WILL DENY YOU IN FRONT OF MY FATHER


I know what you're thinking - "Whoa - that's deep."

Whether your Christian or Communist, just read it a few times, analyze it, and then just forget you ever saw it. I will say one thing about it though - it covers so much material in so little words! Although what the meaning is, I don't think anyone will ever know.

Maybe it's a quotation from the show "Lost" or something that I didn' t catch. Or the Gospel of Judas, although I doubt that they used the word "fuck" back then. Update me if you know the answer.

Oh, I forgot about the "other made up words" that I promised in my subject. Try these out -

Ferjastinate.
Copantlessness.
Amniocensexiness

I just made them up.


Ok, now I'm going to do a survey. I always enjoy the ones that my friend Michael, the somewhat-relative-of-my-horrible-ex-boyfriend, fills out. I don't have the innate ability to find good surveys elsewhere, so I usually steal someone else's, and his are always good.



1. Height?
-5'11"

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
- No

3. Do you own a gun?
- No, I don't pack heat.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments
I get nervous when they pull out the blood pressure cuff. I hate
having my blood pressure taken. Don't ask me why - it's just
a phobia of odd origins.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Funny story. I hate them. And as a kid, I was forced to eat one a couple times, and I gagged. I don't understand the whole hot dog thing.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Sleigh Ride, by Leroy Anderson (without the lyrics)

8.What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Strong black coffee, or just my usual diet Coke.

9. Can you do push ups?
Yes. And pullups, but I haven't in a while, and I have a desire lately
to start working out again. Weird.

10. Is your bathroom clean?
It is being cleaned after I have finished this. It isn't filthy - just cluttered.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My watch. That's all I own for now.

12. Do you like painkillers?
No, they make me nauseous. I stick to Aleve.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
A "leg-snare trap for women" baited with Partylite candles. Seriously,
I don't have one.

14. Do you have ADD?
Yes I do. Severely. And I am on Ritalin for it, which is the wonder-drug
for anyone who doesn't like to clean.

16. Middle Name?
Douglas (don't even ask.)

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment,
- Tomorrow I shall have some money.
-I love my new slippers
- I hope that candle doesn't drip on the monitor.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought?
Pop
Dinner last night at work
Gas

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
Diet Coke
Coffee
Iced Tea

22. Current worry?
- How am I going to afford all these bills?

23. Current hate?
-winter

24. Favorite place to be?
- the beach

26. Where would you like to go?
- now? Tahiti

27. Do you own slippers?
- Hah! Read above. That's too funny.

28. What shirt are you wearing?
a grey "ringer tee" under a plaid cotton button-up

29. Do you burn or tan?
Both. I try not to burn though.

30. Favorite color(s)?
Green, blue, shades of grey

31. Would you be a pirate?
No, because I'd be too shy.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't. I talk to the pets, because they all like to come and watch, nasty little perverts.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Skeletons and clowns.

35. What's in your pockets right now?
-My keys and an empty envelope.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
This -

Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant

Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary is pregnant. What do you think?

....

(hint - you have to click on the above link to read it.)

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
I had no special bed sheets.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
fractured ribs from a car wreck in front of the Border Grill in Marquette.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
1, and one on the porch. With a broken toilet on top. Redneck-style-fuck yeah!

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Mark. But he's mad at me now......

42. Who is your most silent friend?
Carrie, because she never calls or writes :(

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
God I hope so.

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
Always.

45. What is your favorite book?
The World Almanac. I used to read it as a kid. Really.

46. What is your favorite candy?
Divinity, or fudge.

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
"Fancy" by Reba McEntyre. That would be AWESOME.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I just want a "Sweatin' to the Oldies" tape playing in the
background. With a picture of Richard Simmons taped to the front of
my coffin. I think it would really make people think.

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Recovering from work.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
"I wonder how long that thing's been going off? Oh shit....."

Have a good whatever, kids!

WHY?
MY NAME IS CHEVERE AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

A Dysfunctional Pre-Christmas Blog

But first, I want to share the following from CNN.

"As temperatures rose into the 20s, Tawana Jean Cooper and her family spent Sunday at a Red Cross warming center in St. Louis, which they were able to reach on Saturday from her suburban home after roads were cleared of ice, downed power lines and broken tree limbs left by Thursday's storm.

Joining her at the shelter were three young grandchildren.

"They know this is not home. They know this is a disaster," Cooper said as she cradled her sleeping 5-month-old granddaughter in her arms.

"The American Red Cross has been a God's blessing," she said. About 70 others also spent the night at the shelter.

Missouri National Guardsmen had been sent into the area to knock on doors and make sure people were safe. By early afternoon Sunday, the St. Louis temperature had reached only about 22 degrees, the National Weather Service said.

Two men, ages 37 and 35, died after they tried to burn coal in a cooking wok to stay warm. Fire officials found deadly levels of carbon monoxide in their home. A 56-year-old man may have suffered hypothermia, and an 81-year-old man was found dead at the bottom of his home's stairs."

Living in an area with extremes that are way in excess of what they would experience in St. Louis, I might be biased in my thinking. But are these people insane? Maybe I don't know the whole story, or maybe I'm just a big mean moron. But haven't these people heard of blankets? Candles? Doritos? Winter coats? Or is the media just crying for more New Orleans-type disasters, while they sit in wait for the Democrats to take over Congress? OK, St. Louis probably is somewhat disaster-like. But Tawana, don't you have any neighbors with a gas stove, or some candles? Don't you stock snack foods in your home? It was 35 degrees yesterday in St. Louis, because I just checked. Certainly not disaster-type weather to me.

Or maybe instead of being a high-falluting bitch-head, I should fear for myself. For what if the unthinkable happened to us here? What if our power went out for two days? I'm not talking now - it's in the 20s and 30s at present - we'd be fine. But what about mid-January, when the temperature sometimes gets as high as 10 degrees? Would we get the same press coverage? Would we start burning coal in our Walmart woks? Where the hell do you get coal, anyway?

Anyway, enough of that.

Here's some pre-Christmas updates from my charming, crooked home -

I actually have done a bit of decorating in my house now, because I have furniture now! It came in the form of a sectional sofa from a lovely lesbian couple. It's an awesome megalith of a couch, and the cats and Eddie think it's a toy. So now I am all decked out. My upstairs is still nailed shut, to conserve on heating (although maybe I'll take a wok up there later) but my downstairs is now complete. Still crooked too, but I finally hung up my fancy key-wind clock tonight, which just struck the half-hour in all its glory. I had to hang it somewhat cleverly to compensate for the crookedness of the wall, but it works. I also hung a few pictures.

And, being the huge Christian that I am, I decorated for Christmas. My little fiber-optic tree is sitting on the end table, and the cats have already pawed at it. Besides the tree, I also have two wall ornaments, a tiny Santa figurine on the microwave, and a cookie tin! Festive, hey?

To counteract the sun-like glow of my neighbors' Christmas displays, I thought I might go very low-key and put a wreath on the front door, and one of those little candle-lamps in each window. But I ran into a problem. First, I can't find the damn candle lamps in any stores - they have battery-operated ones, but who the hell wants to put up with that? Second, I looked at wreaths today, and, not surprisingly, a woven circle of pine branches costs around 30 bucks. I was not prepared to swill out that kind of change. So far, my house remains a blank, heathen anti-Christ display of agnostic minimalism.

If you have cable internet, and you are still using a regular phone, you should really check into one of the internet phone services. I got mine this week - there were no connection fees, nothing to buy, my bill is a flat 22 bucks a month and I can call anywhere I want. Plus I have a local Hermansville number and real 911 service. If you want my phone number, just ask. I might even answer, since the telemarketers haven't gotten wind of my new number.

I decided yesterday that I was wrong all along, and there really are people out there that I just don't like. Period. Nothing else to say on that one.

I have become comfortable with my job, and although it's not the kind of job that makes me break out in glee and make snow-angels, it's fine. And I get paid well.

I realized that I was fooling myself when I thought that my family wasn't really as crazy as I made it out to be. My family is full-blown nuts. Maybe every family has a little bit of weirdness, eccentricism, or hostility within its confines. Mine has a bit of each, plus a pinch extra.

Back to work again. I have now been exposed to the flu, hepatitis, vaginal yeast infections, scabies, cellulitis, pinkeye, extreme exczema, death, and pneumonia, and I haven't caught any of them. Yet. Knock on my desk. But I did get my final hepatitis vaccination and the MMR vaccine, and ended up with soreness, swollen glands, and the chills for a week.

I am realizing again that living 20 miles from a major supermarket chain, 10 miles from a gas station, and 23 miles from my bank really sucks.

I now know that when you get out of a relationship that lasted 3 years, your ex doesn't necessarily handle things well, and instead of just leting it go, goes around and says cruel and untrue things. All to cover up the fact that the relationship ended because this former partner can't deal with his latent homosexuality and his perverted need for back-alley sex, and so he had to use made-up excuses to tell people when they asked why I "just disappeared" from his life. Do I sound bitter? I'm not, but now that I have a very public job, I run into these people every fricking day.

To add some much-needed humidity to your heated home, and a lovely sense of holiday spirit, take a kettle, fill it with water, and add some cinnamon sticks, cloves, ginger, and flavored tea bags. Let it simmer gently on your stove, never forgetting that it's there of course. It adds a lovely, festive scent and makes your cats happier when you pet them, because you don't shock the daylights out of them with static. If you do forget about it, then you get a kettle full of burnt-up tea bags that smells horrid.

One more thing I have discovered - I can actually go more than 2 or 3 hours without a cigarette and not go stark-raving mad. And hospitals suck, because they make you go smoke in your car. Or maybe they don't suck, because like I said, I can actually go more than 2 or 3 hours without a cigarette and not go stark-raving mad.

Enough. I want to go watch my Christmas tree turn all sorts of dazzling fiber-optic-enhanced colors.