Over the past 34 trips around the sun, I have had many different experiences on the first day of each new year. Some were planned out in great detail to make for an extraordinary event; I don't remember any as being that extraordinary. Many years I have been either unceremonious or working; this year was an example of both. Although I only worked until 11, and had invites to go to a couple different local-flavor bars, I decided I was not in the mood for a disappointment, and really didn't want to ring in the new year while drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon in hospital scrubs. (Sorry to offend anyone - but the bars in this neck of the woods are, to the last one, AWFUL.)
There were various years where I did have fun - one such festivity almost involved me "coming out" at the Shamrock in Marquette, several years before I finally did it for real. Another more distant New Year ring-in involved the death of my grandmother at about an hour after midnight. So to me, celebrating New Year's Eve is sort of like being a chicken in a cockfight - you either die, or you win but now you're missing an eye and a foot. Well, maybe not so bad as that.
I came home and switched on my enormous 80s console tv, and started looking for Dick Clark. Was he on? There was a show entitled "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" or whatever, and I saw several glimpses of Ryan Seacrest (or one of those cookie-cutter boy-hosts,) but not the big Dick. That was my only reason for even turning on the tv - I wanted to see if he has gotten over the stroke, which would mean that he is still young-ish as ever, which would make me feel like I'm not getting really old. Does that make sense? God, I hope not.
But of course, ABC doesn't allow for us central-timers to feel part of the ceremony - it's only 11 here when they ring in the holiday, and so we have to just do a pretend ball-drop at midnight, which is when I got home. And, my god, that show is just awful. Are people really that ridiculous anymore? The performers were either people I had never heard of, or MEATLOAF, who should just retire. And when I heard something about Fergie hosting a party in Hollywood, I turned the channel. I don't want to see ex-royals grinding with Ludacris. Next the Duchess of York will be showing HER hoo-hah while exiting a limo. Change of topic.
Anyway, I got to thinking of what the new year might/should/won't entail, and started putting together some predictions. Being the psychic that I am not (I did predict Steve Carrell's rise in popularity, however) I thought I would take a smack at what I hope happens, what I hope DOESN'T happen, and what is just inevitable. With pictures.
Here we go.
1. The end of the dictatorship
Yeah, I know. He'll still be here. But now he's got some compa-tishin from the Con-griss. And no matter what, I just don't think he'll be able to get his war drums beating again. Rumsfeld's gone; Saddam's dead (and people didn't care much - they just wanted the opportunity to see a real hangin'); and people are just fed up. So maybe the opposition will be able to voice opinions freely again without getting a mouth-smack or put on the "do not fly" list.
2. Europe Will Get Cooler.
No, not because of global warming, because that wouldn't make sense. To most people. But anyhoo...The European Union now has more people, more trade, and more money than the United States. And come on - they have a lot of coolness - think IKEA!! So, since the "freedom fries" bullshit has died down, maybe people over here will pay more attention to what they are getting right over there. Which leads me to
3. Gay Rights
Now that the republicans and the christian right have trampled on the constitutions of most of the states by banning same-sex unions of all sorts (and constitutions were made to PROTECT rights, not take them away,) there is no direction to go but up. Really. And if people would pay more attention to the world around them, they would realize what fools we have been. Because if I wanted to, I could grab me a feller, hop in the car and drive 3 hours to Canada and go get hitched, and it would be legal, at least there. Even though the homophobes got their way for a while, the rainbow flags and gay cowboys are looming ever closer, and it won't take long for those in the middle to recall such past eras as segregation and prohibition, that just didn't work out.
4. The Next President Will either Have an Afro or a French Manicure.
You gotta face it - Hillary bashing has lost its groove, because she's basically proven herself to be pretty level-headed. And this Obama guy is seemingly invincible - a Tiger Woods who can give a Kennedy-like speech.
but sorry,Condi........
1+1 doesn't always equal two. I really think that she MUST be computer-generated, because the combination of black/female/republican just doesn't seem to compute, does it? She's like a tuna-and-cool-whip-on-banana-bread sandwich. A combination that nobody really asks for at the deli, am I right?
5. PLEASE - no more MUFFINTOP!
The combination of tight, low-rise jeans and a touch of abdominal fat cannot possibly be considered sexy to anyone. In fact, this is what comes to mind for me when I think of a classic muffintop -
-which is just hideously wrong. So hopefully the fad of women's jeans that button at the clitoris will die out. That also leads me to hope the following:
6. NO MORE MEN IN WOMEN'S JEANS
Okay, that photo is probably a chick. I had trouble googling for men in capri pants, so maybe that's a good sign. The closest thing I could find was this -
which is disgusting too, but at least there's no embroidery.
7. RAMPANT VIRAL DISEASES WILL DESTROY WEDDINGS (just like the gays marryin')
I just thought this was a funny image. But SARS is skeery.
8. I WILL FINALLY FIGURE OUT THE IPOD CRAZE
Seriously, it's just a fancy walkman, isn't it? Why the fuss? Or am I just jealous that I don't have one? No, no, no - not when I see something like this-
An ipod cozy. Suddenly it makes sense to me. Okay, I am a little bit jealous.
So that's some predictions - I've run out of ideas and pictures for today.
No comments:
Post a Comment