I was chastised by someone today for not writing any blogs recently. After much thought, consisting of at least 3 minute of pondering what even to write about, I though....what the hell.
The problem with writing a blog in the middle of February in the middle of the Upper Peninsula in the middle of winter, is that there is not much to write about. The thing on most people's minds around here always seems to be something dependent on the weather, which is rotten.
I have friends who live outside of the midwest, and many friends who lived in this crook of the north and moved on to other places; so they experienced the weather but remember it only in visuals of snow-laden trees and frozen lakes. Pretty, hey? But as I was discussing with my friend Will the other day, who lives in Ontario, there is a very large part of north america that is less-sparsely populated than most, and is, to be blunt, fucking cold in the winter. Granted we have nice warm summers; but for some reason we get punished for them for the other 2/3 of the year.
For the last 2 weeks, it has been colder here than what most of the people of the world ever experience - we have a continental climate that really only exists here and in Canada; and in Siberia. That's no joke. The temperature has not been above the freezing point here for at least a month now, and often dips way below the 0 mark at night (for those of you who use celsius - that is -18.) And it doesn't stop there - temperatures of -15 and lower aren't unusual, and daytime highs hovering around the zero point (fahrenheit) are pretty commonplace.
I speak to many people who say things such as "you are so lucky - I wish we had snow" or "I just love snow" or some dipshit thing like that. Most of those people live somewhere where there IS snow, but in fleeting periods of the season. Snow one day, gone the next. An occasional large storm, then a week later it's gone. It doesn't work that way here. Once we get snow, we have snow for a LONG time. This year was freakish in that it didn't snow until after the first of the year; and that is freakish in a most freakish way, because usually we have a permanent snow cover by December; earlier at times even. When most people in the world are starting to clean their flower beds and plant bulbs, we are still shovelling off the ends of our driveways after the plows go past and block our cars in. Occasionally a nice warm March will melt most of our snowcover, but then Karl Bohnak, the regional TV-6 monarch of all things meteorology and a walking Skeltor, decides that we need a foot of snow on the 15th of April. I truly think he is the devil and has magical powers over the well-being of his U.P. subjects. Because no matter what, his forecasts are always more grim than any other weather report I look at.
So to sum that up, winter here just sucks. Say what you want - "oh I just love to ski" or "I like the snow because it's so pretty." There are people here that say such things. They are idiots. And sometimes days after they say such heretic remarks, they are commited with Seasonal Affective Disorder.
If you live here, and you hold a job, there is no relief. Either you must brave the frigid temperatures at daybreak, or you leave work in their grip at night. Believe me, when you walk outside and it's -10 degrees farenheit, or roughly -23c, it fucking HURTS. The cold instantly runs up your pant legs, bites at your face like a rabid cat, and blows up under your coat. Unless you bundle in NASA-made spacesuits, there is really no way to completely escape the hurtful terror of a cold UP morning or evening.
Aside from the crazy jaunts out into the winter fauna, there is also such wondrous things as cars that don't start; draftiness in the house (and this house is like living inside a box fan); shoveling snow, and driving on "winter death roads." And those roads are riddled with deer who are just happy as sugar beets to be out in the frigid temperatures, so they decide to take lovely evening walks on the highways. Makes for a lovely ride home.
My daily routine involves checking the weather online at least five times, because I always hope for the miraculous chance that the winds have shifted, and instead of getting the frigid beastly winds that Alberta and Sasketchewan like to waft upon us (and those winds should have to get passports, same as everyone else does now) we get a nice fresh breeze of mild warmth from the south, which usually means a balmy day of temperatures hovering around the freezing point. It you think I'm kidding when I use the word "balmy" to describe a day like that, you are wrong - because after dealing with days on end of temperatures that could cause instant skin-freeze, 32 degrees is like hopping naked from the freezer into a warm house.
So yeah, I hate the weather. Does that make me horrid? Does the fact that I am not a native mean that I shouldn't have an opinion on this matter? If so, then please let me know. If you live up here and find what I have written morbidly disgusting, then please tell me how I'm wrong.
Aside from that, let's get happy for a while! Yay for happy stories!
Anna Nicole Smith is dead. No, wait a minute, that's not happy! For anyone that thought of her as nothing but trash who lived off the fortunes and misfortunes of others, I totally agree. But her only child died days after she gave birth to her second child. And apparently, she was so sluttish that she had multiple men claiming fatherhood to her son. AND, she had to deal with the fact that she was so dopey acting! But as annoying as these sort of celebrities are to me, it still makes me sad to see them die, especially in such tragic circumstances.
Foes fight over Anna Nicole Smith body
What? Is she Eva Peron now? She died, tragic. But she sold trimspa and made a horrible tv show.
Homeless woman set ablaze, killed
Apparently two guys decided that she didn't deserve to live, after she reported one of them for robbing her. It makes sense - I mean, who likes to be narked on? And maybe they were cold. No wait - that's California. Okay, I have to stop reading because it makes me ill to think of such cruelty.
Britney needs intervention, industry folk say
It's a video link, so don't bother, because CNN is still in the stone ages with their video feeds, so unless you want to spend fifteen minutes watching a 3-minute video...anyway, who just decided this? I think they should have intervened when Britney took the mouse ears off. Her first album probably tops the list of albums that were scorned by nearly every critic, and yet people used the heretic expression "the next Madonna" to describe her. Seriously, have you ever analysed her singing voice? To me, it sounds like a cross between Thelma Harper on "Mama's Family" and Carol Burnett as Miss Hannigan in "Annie." Except they didn't do anything more offensive than mistreat little orphan girls or make fun of Naomi.
Officials: Woman, 84, confesses to sex with boy, 11
I can only make one comment on this one - I hope there's not a video.
Couple who caged kids get 2-year sentence
Umm, that's not something they learned on that nanny show, is it?
Kenny Chesney: I'm not gay
That should be the least of his concerns. I hope he is seeing a psychiatrist who is helping him to try taking the hat off. Come on Kenny - I don't like going bald either. But let it breathe for christ's sake!
Kansas changes course on evolution
Apparently they have changed course 5 times in the last few years. What bothers me most is that the decisions are all made by a 10 member "State Board of Education." Ten people decide the curriculum for an entire state? Does that qualify as democratic?
Man killed after table leg attack on strangers
Were they making fun of his table leg? Oh dear.
Okay, so at least in the droll, cold days of winter, at least we still have the shocking entertainment value of American News.
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